It has not been a good day for me or Amanda. Actually it has been the hardest day for me, even though we had more wonderful friends drive in to see us…Laura Wade…you blew our mind with the gift bag…I have owned a gift basket business for 20 years and have never put together anything like what you brought us. Seeing you and Bill today was the high point of our day…You are as beautiful as ever and Bill you have not aged a day….kind of made me sick…Danny and Debbie…taking time out of your day was a gift to us. Thank you. If any of you called today, I am so sorry I did not answer. We were bombarded with some facts that I just could not deal with and it was like someone opened a faucet and I could not stop crying…..Greg and Micah went home late today. They needed to and Jack was stable enough for them to go work a couple of days, check on the little's, but their goodbyes were gut wrenching . These two men love Jack so much and are not shy about telling him and showing him. So tonight it is just me and Amanda and we have different rooms. We needed to grieve alone. All we had to do today was look at each other and the water works started again. So I am assuming she has been asleep for hours and I am on my normal schedule blogging. Remember I said this is going to be RAW WRITING. I am scared to death of a thousand things. The “What if’s” and “How will we?” are my constant companions and at one point today I wanted to run out of the room and just keep running. For a control person to have absolutely NO CONTROL, may require professional help. They gave me a stack of literature on dealing with a stroke and I came to the hotel, took it out of my purse and threw it in the trash. They needed to talk to me about an inpatient acute REHAB CENTER in SHREVEPORT and I told them we do not do REHAB, we do DISNEY. (Just need to throw this in because some of my tree people are my FB friends…Do not worry about your tree…I will be there just like normal and make your home magical.) At this point I don’t have every detail worked out, but I will.
Tonight there were 342 emails…Talk about feeling loved. Knowing how much your MAN is loved and being prayed for is more than I can ask for. Eventually I will answer those emails, phone messages and texts, but for right now, the blog and FB is all I have the energy to do. Please know that I appreciate them…Two of JACK’S old football players called today and again it reminded me what an impact he had on kids he coached. Mike McClendon, your text today made us laugh and then I cried again. Amanda read it to Jack and he even had a slight smile. I wish I could hug you and we could solve the worlds problems.
The fact is our lives are changed forever. That means a lot of different things and only time will tell exactly how. So I will be honest and tell you I did not do good today…have never felt weaker, and am so disappointed in ME for not being better at this.
I would love to say its because its almost tree season and there are just lots of things to get done. BUT the real reason is that Jack has treated me like a Queen for all our married years. My close friends are all reading this and shaking their heads YES, and some will even be saying I never appreciated it enough. My feelings (which really should be on the back burner now) are that I am so scared that I will not be able to serve him the same way. And that’s just the UGLY facts. I know that because Roger just told me that and as bad as that stings, he is (as always) RIGHT. SO if you want to UNFOLLOW me now,(that’s blog language) just remember I always told you that I had no idea where we were going and now that I do, I am pretty sure you do NOT want to FOLLOW. You still will not be wasting prayers on Jack as he is not out of the woods, but you can also pray that I can get my stuff together. Micah and Greg leaving left me even more scared. One of them had been next to me and Amanda for 3 days. So you have seen the UGLY me, but I need to keep it real. One of the sweetest things all day….Amanda knew I was crying when she left to go to her room…she left and a minute later walked back in and hugged me and said “Mom, we will not let you and Dad take one step without us. This is not Dad’s battle, this is our families battle and we will all do life together.”! If you are not so depressed after this post, that you will never come back, tomorrow night I promise some of the sweetest pictures Micah and Dana emailed me of the little's.
Its almost 3 now so I know I am in trouble….Amanda told me to go to bed at 10
I love everyone of you that have contacted me and at some point I will call or text. Sheila, if you are reading this I need to talk to you tomorrow…I know I will not make it home for Friday, so relook at your schedule. I have never needed you more. And Roger I know you are still up as you just text me...if you make it to the end of this, thank you for being BRUTALLY honest with me tonight. Ambien is calling my name.
(Linda, if you are reading this, please do not check it for proper grammar or punctuation.)