I am sure that very soon someone is going to read something other than my heart in some post I write. It may be this one. For the first time all week I am NOT at the hospital. Amanda (you are an angel) told me to stay here at the hotel and try to sleep (which so far has been impossible) and she went alone. Partly because I have been sick all week and it’s just gotten worse by the day. Just an upper respiratory crud. I did start an antibiotic yesterday, regardless the fact that I lost my voice and trying to talk has worn me out plus I have coughed up several lungs a day. Every time they come in the room to give Jack a breathing treatment, I want to ask them to give me one too. Add to that Jack must have gotten confused about his days and nights and called Amanda and me at the hotel all night wondering why we were not back yet, so sick and sleep deprived may be the only reason I can hardly move...the other reason is if I do have a bug, I really don't need to pass it to Jack...There are so many decisions to make, so much RED TAPE, it is just overwhelming. Thank you Christi for being an EAR last night to a very croupy desperate friend. I know you must have been thinking take a drink and clear your throat. I wish it was that easy. Amanda just told me the research you did and that helped us make at least one decision.
As much as I know all the right words, all the faith words, all the friends that have asked to help, this lover of control and knowing how, when and where we are going to do things, is having the worst day yet. I get it that its only been 6 days. I hear Roger’s words when he tells me this will not be fast and that I cannot fix it. I hear them but I guess the real problem is I think if I THINK hard enough, (out of the box), if I HOPE hard enough, if I WORK hard enough, that I can change it.
I absolutely feel hopeless today....I can handle surgery, broken bones, critically ill little's but I have found something I cannot handle and that's a stroke..Jack seems to have such a blank stare, though he knows everyone and everything,has been calling friends on the phone, reading the paper, he has taken steps, talks to us about normal things, but that monotone blank look I see scares me to death. I have heard all the “Stuff” about how that it is possible that he will get everything back and that it does not happen fast. For a person that thrives on getting things accomplished and knows absolutely nothing about strokes....those are just WORDS and I wonder if they are just saying them to keep me sane. (If that's it, its failed) Every person that has driven to Dallas to visit us, I have wanted to get in the car and go home with them....If you ask them how I was doing they would tell you fine, because I am fine when they are here at least on the outside. One thing I have learned is that OLD FRIENDS, are the BEST FRIENDS. It totally blows my mind when I think about the people that have walked through the doors of Baylor hospital this week. For none of them was it convenient or probably even easy. I have had a CRASH COURSE in what really matters and what really helps, when someone is going through a life threatening crisis, ESPECIALLY away from home. And this is certainly no guilt trip on anyone, because I have been as guilty as anyone in the way I handled it with others.
Jack is about the same today….for some reason his back is hurting bad which could be anything from being in the bed a long time to maybe an UTI. He is also very congested, so not sure if those two things will delay our move back to Shreveport.
I cannot tell you how much I need to see the little’s and how much Amanda needs to see her boys…Either way we will see them this weekend.
I love everyone of you for all the encouraging words…someday they will encourage me, but for today I have got to get myself together.
And just so that you know I am still OK, MS. FOX NEWS as my friends call me, does know that Brett has Randy Moss to throw to on Monday night…Inside joke to those that love football. But all other news you will have to get yourself for awhile…