Thursday, October 7, 2010

As WE Near the End of the Hardest Week of our Lives

Today I am posting this for you or at least I think I am.  Maybe I need to document the despair so someday I can look back and see how far we have come. 
I am sure that very soon someone is going to read something other than my heart in some post I write. It may be this one.  For the first time all week I am NOT at the hospital.  Amanda (you are an angel) told me to stay here at the hotel and try to sleep (which so far has been impossible) and she went alone.  Partly because I have been sick all week and it’s just gotten worse by the day. Just an upper respiratory crud.  I did start an antibiotic yesterday, regardless the fact that I lost my voice and trying to talk has worn me out plus I have  coughed up several lungs a day. Every time they come in the room  to give Jack a breathing treatment, I want to ask them to give me one too.  Add to that Jack must have gotten confused about his days and nights and called Amanda and me at the hotel all night wondering why we were not back yet, so sick and sleep deprived may be the only reason I can hardly move...the other reason is if I do have a bug, I really don't need to pass it to Jack...There are so many decisions to make, so much RED TAPE, it is just overwhelming. Thank you Christi for being an  EAR last night to a very croupy desperate friend. I know you must have been thinking take a drink and clear your throat.  I wish it was that easy. Amanda just told me the research you did and that helped us make at least one decision. 
As much as I know all the right words,  all the faith words,  all the friends that have asked to help, this lover of control and knowing how, when and where we are going to do things, is having the worst day yet.  I get it that its only been 6 days.  I hear Roger’s words when he tells me this will not be fast and that I cannot fix it.  I hear them but I guess the real problem is I think if I THINK hard enough, (out of the box), if I HOPE hard enough, if I WORK hard enough, that I can change it.
I absolutely feel hopeless today....I can handle surgery, broken bones, critically ill little's but I have found something I cannot handle and that's  a stroke..Jack seems to have such a blank stare, though he knows everyone and everything,has been calling friends on the phone, reading the paper, he has taken steps, talks to us about normal things, but that monotone blank look I see scares me to death.   I have heard all the “Stuff” about how that it is possible that he will get everything back and that it does not happen fast.  For a person that thrives on getting things accomplished and knows absolutely nothing about strokes....those are just WORDS and I wonder if they are just saying them to keep me sane. (If that's it, its failed) Every person that has driven to Dallas to visit us, I have wanted to get in the car and go home with them....If you ask them how I was doing they would tell you fine, because I am fine when they are here at least on the outside.  One thing I have learned is that OLD FRIENDS, are the BEST FRIENDS.  It totally blows my mind when I think about the people that have walked through the doors of Baylor hospital this week.  For none of them was it convenient or probably even easy.  I have had a CRASH COURSE in what really matters and what really helps, when someone is going through a life threatening crisis, ESPECIALLY away from home.  And this is certainly no guilt trip on anyone, because I have been as guilty as anyone in the way I handled it with others. 
Jack is about the same today….for some reason his back is hurting bad which could be anything from being in the bed a long time to maybe an UTI.  He is also very congested, so not sure if those two things will delay our move back to Shreveport. 
I cannot tell you how much I need to see the little’s and how much Amanda needs to see her boys…Either way we will see them this weekend.
I love everyone of you for all the encouraging words…someday they will encourage me, but for today I have got to get myself together. 
And just so that you know I am still OK, MS. FOX NEWS as my friends call me, does know that Brett has Randy Moss to throw to on Monday night…Inside joke to those that love football.  But all other news you will have to get yourself for awhile…

29 comments:

BARBIE said...

Teresa, I am so thankful to hear this news. Still praying!

Mildred said...

I am thankful that Jack is improving. I continue to pray. I'm praying for you to have peace and sound sleep. Sending a hug, Mildred

fahnmamma said...

I keep praying. I do believe this blog will help keep you sane. It's a wonderful way to express yourself and for others to see you being real. After my daughters accident, everyone thought I was doing great. I wasn't and it took me years to sort it all and be ok with life....even though it would always be a new normal.

God Bless you!

Sonja said...

Teresa:

I emailed your friend Kat in Florida to get your last name. In case there is something you need done locally, I'm your guy! I think it sounds like you are surrounded by friends who are no doubt taking good care of you, but... should you see a need and need it done, please email me. I am local so I do know the area, and would be honored to help.

Meanwhile, praying daily for Jack, and for the rest of you. It has brought back so many memories of when my mom was in that very ward, after she had a stroke at my house on Christmas Day.

Don't quit hoping and praying... and like your dr. friend said, it can be a roller coaster, but there are so many who make complete recoveries... praying that for Jack It sounds like he has made so much progress in just these few days...

Praying,

Sonja

Nina Diane said...

I so hope you get home soon...those little ones will be the best medicine for both of you! Get some rest, eat good...you need to be well to take care of Jack. hugs and prayers...

BConky said...

You should read "Rusty Bobbins" -Beth's blog from when her husband- whom is younger like your husband and suffered a stroke Feb 2009. I really think it will encourage you. Prayers with your family.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/donhamilton
http://rustybobbin.com/blog/

Kat said...

What you're feeling is absolutely normal...I'm positive about that...plus being sick on top of it, so don't feel like a failure. Easier said than done, I know. EVERY person handles things differently and I believe strongly that no matter the situation you can't fault ANYONE for how they act under stress. I'm so sorry you're sick. I will pray specifically for your health so that you can be your best when dealing with everything else. Your entire family has been added to the prayer list at my bible study this morning. I'm praying every day. You are in my thoughts sweet friend.

I'm here if you need me.

Hugs,
Kat

Tammy said...

Hugs and prayers your way Teresa!

Kelly said...

IT is such a long road, I'm glad you don't have to travel it alone!

Praying for Jack & your family!

Kristens Creations said...

I will continue to pray for you all...

Love, Kristen

Theresa said...

I am keeping you all in my prayers! Hugs to all of you! Praying for God's healing hands on Jack and YOU!

Love you! Theresa

Bacardi Mama said...

Good thoughts, hugs and prayers.

twinkle said...

Teresa,
You are going to get through this. The number one thing to remember is no matter what lies ahead of you, Jesus will be right there with you. And my prayers are lifted up for Jack and for all of you to be giants of faith during this time. I pray that Jack will be like Joseph, seeing the good that God will accomplish out of this! I pray that you will be like the Proverbs 31 woman, laughing at the days to come. I pray that Amanda will be like the two sisters...Mary and Martha...serving hard but loving much, too. I pray that all your family will be strong like Peter, faithful like John, wise like Boaz and dependable like Luke. May God give you rest that is enough. Always enough. And help you to sift through so many details to find the perfect will of Your Heavenly Father in the middle of this stressful time.
Take the baby steps right now. Soon you'll be running...again.
Fear not!

ShirleyC said...

I'm still praying for you all, Teresa. My heart aches for all you are having to go through, but like you said, Jack has come a long way since this all happened. I do know how hard it is to sleep when someone you love is in ICU, but also know that if you can get just one good night's rest, you will feel so much better. Hopefully, when you all get to come home, rest will follow.
Many hugs and prayers,
Shirley

Cindy Lou said...

I continue to keep Jack in our prayers along with the rest of you guys!! Love, hugs and prayers from Georgia!!

Cindy Lou

Amanda M. said...

Praying for you & your family. <3

Leslee said...

Dearest Teresa! It was so good to see your comment about Brett :-) but even BETTER to hear that Jack seems to be improving ~

I continue to pray for your family and send bunches of strength!!

Laurie in Ca. said...

Just want to let you know I am praying my heart out for you and Jack and the family. I can only imagine the hell this is putting you all through. Asking God to hold you together Teresa. The love of your life is still there behind the blank stare. It would scare me to death too sweetie. You have my heart and I know the littles will lift your spirits high this weekend. Praying for their little hearts too as I know how much they love their grandpa.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Leigh of Bloggeritaville said...

Sending you my prayers, sweeet friend. I pray that God give you strength and comfort.And he will...."I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me".

Love Being a Nonny said...

I wish there was something tangible I could do for you. Since I am not there with you physically, I will continue to pray for you and Jack and your entire family.

billypandnikkysmom said...

Oh I wish there was something I could do or say to make this all better for you!!! All I can do is continue to send prayers! Stay strong & God Bless!

Cindy said...

Hi Teresa,
Again, just stopping by to check the progress. I know exactly what you are going through as my hubby is on day '30' of his hospital stay and I am exhausted. I understand the struggle of watching them not be themselves and praying with every breath that they will be okay.
My heart aches for yours as you balance life and move forward into uncharted territory.
My prayers will continue to be sent to Jesus on your behalf. I have some dear friends in the Waco area who are lifting you up as well.
Blessings, Cindy
http://www.consideringitalljoy.com

bigguysmama said...

Can NOT even phathom how you are getting thru all of this. Praying that you will have the strength to do whatever it is that comes to you each day of this unexpected journey.

Yah, we have Moss back. Should be interesting to see how the rest of the year goes.

Just had to throw that in there. *wink*

~Mimi

Just a little something from Judy said...

I am so sorry! As I read this post, my "fix it" heart wants to step in and take over. I can't so I promise to keep you all in my prayers whenever I think of you. I just cannot imagine all that you are going through with your dear husband and family, but I do appreciate you sharing it.

Pamela said...

Teresa, I am praying for you and Jack and Amanda and the entire family. God will give you the strength, as only he can. It is a scary situation, my mom had a stroke, my dad terminal cancer and Gary-- triple by-pass... I feel your heart. I took care of each one of them. God is faithful and he will take care of you and your family.. You are very loved and adored. Wish I could be there with you. Love you !! Pam Neill

CHERI said...

Just came over to your blog from Theresa's at "they call me ganky." She's asking everyone to pray for you and your husband...so that's what I'll do. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this but sounds like your hubby is coming along. I don't know anything about strokes either but even if I did, I wouldn't dare give advice. Everyone is different and everyone reacts in their own ways. I've learned that trying to compare can sometimes bring more upset than encouragement. I'm one of those people who likes to be in control of my own destiny and likes to always have a plan, so I can identify somewhat with how you are feeling when you know all you can do is take it one day at a time. I pray that all goes well and you can be home or nearer to home soon. In the meantime I will pray and will also check out your blog and add it to my other "grandmother" blogs that I like to follow...I'm a dedicated grandmother too!

Michelle said...

I have not experienced anything of this magnitude, so I can only imagine how you feel. God is Healer.
(((HUGS)))

Jane's In The Jungle said...

Oh Teresa, Been catching up with my bloggy friends and girl you have had a horrendous week! I sincerely can not imagine what you've been through. But I thank the Lord that Jack is better. Will put y'all on our prayer list at church tomorrow. Take care of yourself.

SS Firedancer said...

I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your Jack. I saw the prayer request on Lisa's blog. I have not had time to read your post yet as it almost midnight here in England but I will visit soon. I know that even though I have not read the details the wonderful Holy Spirit knows the details and as I pray in the precious Holy Spirit He will fill in what I don't know .
Blessings and prayers a new follower. ~Firedancer